|And all you can do is yell at me.
||[May. 11th, 2004|06:51 pm]
|||||Keb' Mo' -City Boy, Don't Try to Explain, Victims of Comfort||]|
I finally made the decision. I want to try out to play for a college team. Why? Because of something Megan said. She said that if I should do it while I can, because I could end up like her one day -- I could not be able to walk more than two miles per hour, and not be able to lift my arms about my head -- and that if I ever reached that point I'd be kicking my self for not tryin. I know that's true. So, last night I decided I wanted to play college ball. Today I got a rude awakening. My club team is dispanding. My whole future is falling down around me, and the only thing my father can do is yell at me.
I came home and asked him to move his car, he yelled at me and said "I can't I'm doing something." I come into my room, about to straighten it up, and he yells at me about a floor I've already swept. Its been two days since I swept it, don't you think there is the slightest possiblity that perhaps it could get dirty. I do believe so. I know if it had been anyone else that wouldn't have happened. Some times I'd like to be held to a lower standard, like Shaun and Seth. It hurts to know that while I get high marks in classes Seth can get low marks and its "okay." Seth is celebrated when he gets a B or a C. I simply get handed my report card. Its "expected" that I do well. But, when I don't it so hard to face everything that goes on.
Soccer, piano, driving, work, my weight, its been the same with everything I do. Is it because I'm a girl? I don't know. You know, its hard enough when you're not good enough for your self, but it is ten times worse when you're not good enough for your parent. I just can't grasp what I have to do that will make him happy. I'm more responsible than either of my brothers, I apply my self more, I'm home more often. I don't understand what I do wrong. I don't talk back, I just can't bring my self to say what I want to say to my dad, or Pam for that matter. No matter what it is. I just can't do it. I wish I could, I really do. I wish I could be like those other kids who can just let their parents have it but its just not something I have in me.
I don't know what to do. Its hard it just is. Hard to know that the schools I want to attend I wont be accepted to. Hard to know my dad doesn't support my decision to go back east for college. Hard to know that I'm not good enough for my self. And, its hardest to know I'm not good enough for him. And I can't talk to anyone about it, because that's not what I do. I don't understand why, I can't explain it, and I don't know if I want to. All I know is that it hurts. Alot.